Well here I am in the UAE. It is just wonderful to see the kids so happy in their new home. Superb. !!!! And they really are all happy. But more of them later in the week.
First, of course, I should tell you about my journey here. As most of you know I have never been one for going too far from the diesel fumes of London or the rather less frantic pace of Deal. Now however, I seem to becoming a true jet setter. My air miles are racking up although I am not on first name terms with the cabin crews just yet.
The thought of a seven hour flight was not my idea of fun. but what the hell, I have to do it to see the family so no problem. I booked a long stay car park and a hotel for the night near Heathrow – just to make sure I wouldn’t have to travel the M25 and possibly get a rush hour hold up.
The hotel was fine but of course muggins put the registration number of my new car wrong for the Heathrow long stay car park I had pre booked. Only one digit out but I guessed there would be a problem with the automatic number plate recognition. So I got up mega early expecting some delay. I arrived at the barrier and parked a couple of car lengths back from the barrier so not to block it from other drivers (thoughtful soul eh?) and walked forward in the fog. I was glad of the fog as anybody watching must have thought they were watching a lunatic shouting at a small ticket machine. I was trying to explain what I’d done wrong to an attendant sitting in some remote office somewhere. What with the aircraft taking off and the road traffic noise generally I was screaming into the ticket machine.
“Don’t shout” said the attendant.
Me “What?”
Him “Don’t shout… please”
Me “But it’s so noisy here”
Him “It’s not in this office though”
Me (quietly) “Oh, OK, can you shout then …please”
Him “Why”
Me ” ‘cos I’m not in your office”
Him “Oh, Ok”
I explained about the ticket. The incorrect digit. What an idiot I am. How sorry I was. How I will do Hail Mary’s. What could I do ? Please help.
Him “First drive your car forward”
How did he know where my car was?
I ran to the car and did so, jumped out to put my head back down to the little speaker grill.
Me “OK, I’m back. What next?”
Him “Take the ticket”
Me “What ticket?”
Him ” The one that will go through your right ear if you don’t move your head back”
How the hell did he know where my head was ? I got my head back just in time to miss the ticket coming out of the slot, took it and shouted again “What next?”
Him “You’re shouting again”
Me – (Pianissimo) – “Sorry, what next?”
Him “Drive through the barrier…… sir”
I turned my head, and looked “I can’t see a barrier”
Him “That’s because I’ve lifted it so that you can drive through….sir”
Me “That’s it? No “I can’t do that sir. Or fill in this form sir. Or here’s the 0800 number of our head office which opens in six hours time sir? You really mean that’s it?”
Him “That’s it. I’ve changed the number on your ticket, you just put it in the slot when you come back and you’re away”
Me “Oh, thanks. Excellent. But I must tell you I got up 3 hours early to come here for this and I’ve got nothing to moan about now”
Him “Would you like me to come over there so we can roll around in the gutter fighting?”
Me “Naagh. You’ve done enough already”
Him “Have a nice flight ….sir ” Click.
Sometimes I fell such a f*****g idiot
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David, my neighbour, was the only reply when I asked if any one knew of a way to get an upgrade on BA. I quote it here –
“You could always ask for Richard when you get on board and mention my name. Don’t worry, I will pay in kind on your behalf! lol.” I presumed Richard was a steward and it would be a one in a million chance of him on the flight!
I tried first with the check in girl. A little bit of friendly chatter first which didn’t have the Ice Queen melting one bit. In fact I almost asked if she had Scottish parents travelling on a cruise ship at that particular moment. I didn’t of course as I wanted the upgrade.
So, instead I said that “My father had suggested I ask for an upgrade.”
“Why ? “she asked.
“Well, he’s a very important man ” I lied.
“Your father, must be a very old man” said the sarcastic cow who had obviously heard it all before.
“Popes usually are ” I came back. No upgrade there then. Protestant bitch!
But, lo and behold the steward greeting us at the top of the boarding steps had a name badge of – you guessed it – Richard!
Well I ask you, what are the chances of meeting a steward called Richard who’s wearing eye liner?
It was worth a go…so …”Would you know my neighbour called David, ” he seemed to think you may be able to slip me into a better seat”. On reflection I might have phrased that a little better.
I went on to describe our David.
“David ? no I don’t think so….” but then recognition hit “Oh, David, London and Deal?”
“Yes, yes that’s the one” I said .
“Oh, how is Bumble” he asked head to one side and a sneaky little grin of memory on his face.
“Oh” I said “Bumble is doing just fine” trying to keep a straight face.
Bumble!! where the fuck do you get a nickname like Bumble. I presume I’m spelling it right. I even have to presume I’m saying it right!
Well if I was a drinking man, I’d have been rat-arsed by the time we were over Staines with the free Martinis offered.
It took me a long time to persuade Richard that I was neither a drinker nor in Bumbles “immediate circle” – I think that was the euphemism used. Mind you what I didn’t take in drink I made up for in food and cakes -as if I haven’t had enough the previous week. But I got my upgrade, Richard got “Bumble’s” contact details (which he swore on his Max Factor Moisturising Kit that he would use just as soon as he possibly could, dear!”) And I got the number of his blonde colleague Glynis who I will use just as soon as I possibly can !
Well, BUMBLE !, I don’t know what you did to earn that particular soubriquet, but I’m pretty sure you’re going to have to do more of it soon, possibly a lot more! Well, a promise is a promise you know!
More from the UAE when I can.
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