Usually to somewhere sunny. Away for five days. This year it was Mallorca. As golfers go – I am shit. And that is being complimentary. Very complimentary. I never play between these yearly trips. My golf clubs are rusty. It doesn’t matter as I only ever use one club. The bag is purely for show. So are the rest of the clubs in it. I never lose a golf ball. I’ve never hit one far enough to lose. I have never won a thing at golf. Ever. I have been going on these annual trips for nearly a quarter of a century. Never won a thing. Never looked like winning a thing. People that draw me in their foursome groan. Anyone drawing me in the daily sweepstake laughs hysterically. Everyone else gives a sigh of relief. Over the years I have fallen – many times. Sprained my ankle – twice. Hurt my back many times. Been hit by a golf ball – once. Been run over by buggies – accidently once, deliberately twice. Members come. Members go. I have seen one golfer pass away. I have seen hundreds pass out. When I drank, I passed out. Hundreds of times. The game frustrates me. It exhausts me. I barely make the eighteen holes in a game. If they cut it down to nine holesit would still be eight too many. Eighteen holes a day. We play for three days. Fifty four holes. About a thousand slashes at the same fucking ball. I end each round knackered. And I’m in a buggy! Not walking. I am hungry. Dehydrated. Irritated – at my crapness. Is that a word? Four nights away. Sharing a room. I don’t get enough sleep. Constant farting. Incessant belching. My roomate doesn’t complain. He snores. I throw shoes. He snores louder.
So what is it? What makes me continue?
It is the humour. The Jokes. The banter. The Pranks. Men together playing as boys. Or boys together playing as men? The Rivalry. The Ribaldry. The Insults. The Camaraderie. The Anecdotes. The sheer quickwittedness (is that a word?) The Inventiveness. All Weaknesses pounced upon. The unPCness of a group of men. Gales of laughter. Tears of laughter. Often.
In Deal I’d be called a Hooray Henry.
Long may I enjoy this type of Golf!!