“Hello, hello …Diane?”
“Hello…. oh it’s you Jeremy..”
“Are you ok?”
“Yes of course I am. Why shouldn’t I be.”
“Well I heard that you had been sexually abused last night.”
“Who told you that?”
“It was in the Daily Mail this morning.”
“Well I wasn’t. And what are you doing reading the Daily Mail?”
“It’s better than the Socialist Worker, probably more accurate too.”
“I was not sexually abused Jeremy. More like sexually insulted.”
“What happened?”
“I was simply in the bar having a drink when he tried to kiss me.”
“Who?”
“David Davis.”
“David Davis! For Gods sake! Was he drunk?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“No, no I’m sorry. I didn’t mean.. I meant …what made him do it?”
“Jeremy!”
“Don’t get me wrong Diane, your’e a very er, um, attractive woman …and all that, but David bloody Davis! Even you can do better than that.”
“Exactly Jeremy. Now you know why I feel so insulted.”
“Yes, yes. I understand. Completely. Who’d of thought it eh? David Davis making a pass at you.”
“I’m not sure it was a making a pass or taking the piss actually.”
“I know,I know. Its difficult to tell the difference sometimes Diane. Where did all this happen Diane.”
“Well, I was having a drink with Baroness Chackers in the Commons bar when up he came and, well, tried to plant one on me.”
“He probably mistook you for Theresa Mays arse.”
“JEREMY!”
“No, no, I mean, …..he’s always kissing that these days.”
“Yes, well, I told him to fuck off.”
“Everyone tells him to fuck off. His own wife probably tells him that over his morning porridge.”
“I do not need David Davis trying to kiss me at all, ever! Especially not with the excuse of me finally voting Yes in the House”.
“Hmmm, it would have been better to have backed me sooner, Diane.”
“I had a headache Jeremy”
“If memory serves Diane, you used to get an awful lot of headaches . Still, slapping Davis down is good, I am so glad you still have standards”
“Jeremy….if you haven’t noticed, my standards in men has improved drastically over recent years – drastically !”
“Mmmm, goodnight Diane.”
“Goodnight Jeremy.”