It is not generally known that Instructions and recommendations for the use of Viagra vary from region to region in the UK. Here are a few of the geographical suggestions for obtaining the best results from the product.
Mayfair. (London)
Attend Casino. Have three dry martinis, swallow tablet on third Martini. Select available partner, enquire politely and then escort home. Enjoy. In morning thank partner, offer to supply Uber. Before they leave, ask name and whether male or female.
Chelsea and Westminster (London)
Locate appropriate drinking establishment. Remove tablet from packaging. Grind to dust using spoon or another implement. Snort up each nostril. Go home alone with bottle of Chardonnay and practice bragging in mirror for office colleagues in morning.
Manchester (oop North)
Drink six pints of cheapest lager. Discuss merits of Manchester football, select partner, negotiate. Drink further three pints of Crème de Menthe. Take partner home fight father, fumble tablet from packaging, give to partner, fight mother. Collapse, go to hospital for stomach pumping. After Effects: Next morning tell neighbours what a wonderful evening you had with Viagra and that you are planning to marry her.
Dover (back of beyond)
Drink fifteen pints of East European lager. Clear stomach by vomiting in waste bin. Swallow tablet. Find any thing that breathes and take home. After effects: None.
Billericay (Essex)
Drink ten pints of Stella Artois swallow tablet. Select “attractive” partner from night club queue. Drag home by clutching of hair like Neolithic man. (for Billericay residents – like your father did) Pass out after brief, (and insistent) sexual relations . After Effects: Severe once realized that the partner forcibly dragged home was the doorman of nightclub.
Glasgow. (Scotland)
Drink several pints of heavy. Follow with several large whiskeys, take tablet with penultimate whisky (for Scots readers – next to last drink) View potential partner from the two available. Take home the humanish one and not the dog. Once home, throw up repeatedly, decide life is not worth living, view partner again, kick partner out, locate suitably low enough beam. Realise you wasted Viagra as you are about to be totally stiff soon anyway.
Leeds (Yorkshire)
Go to bar, Drink water. Sell Viagra. Select partner. Ask partner if she has Viagra you can borrow. After Effects: Laugh. Pocket the money.
Wales (Generally)
Following complaints by the WFU (Welsh Farmers Union) we are not allowed to reference sheep as we have in the past. With this in mind, we have amended the geographical particulars to omit such references. The entry now reads…
Find grassy, green mountain, swallow tablet. Wait thirty minutes for effects, Locate Camel.
Belfast (Northern Ireland)
Attend crowded pub. Drink twelve pints of Guinness. Swallow tablet. Toss coin in the air to select partner. Whoever comes up from the ensuing melee with coin take home as partner. Once home: pass out.
Deal (Kent)
Throw away unneeded Viagra tablet. Deal partners are so fantastic that any one of them could raise the dead.!!!