Previously I discussed loo rolls in Cuba. This reminded me, and subsequently brings me on to loo rolls in the UK and a company called Kimberley – Clarke.
I am sure you will know of this firm, especially if you use public toilets in municipal buildings, airports etc. in fact numerous offices throughout the UK use their products and, presumably, services.
Still don’t know them?
Well, next time you are at an airport or similar venue, go to the loo and see if the paper dispensers, for both loo and hand towels, are made by Kimberley-Clarke. If they are either hold the poo, expect to use a sock at some stage or resign yourself to twenty minutes of a game, invented by Kimberley-Clarke designers, of find the toilet paper!
First, you have to make sure there is paper in it. This is no exception to any loo visit, check supplies are available! I, as an experienced male of an estimated 20,000 or so poos (with many more to come I hope) always ,always checks for a toilet roll. Note: there must be some Freudian explanation as to why, on the rarest of occasions, when a spot check is missed, there will never be any paper!
Assuming paper is there – let the game begin. First, enjoy your ablution(s). This is an essential element of the game that the K-C designers want, to lull you into a subdued, peaceful and satisfied state of mind. Some take books, magazines or similar reading matter. I know this by observation from without. I am sure others take smartphones and the like. Perhaps an IPad for a quick Skype. No? Don’t believe that one? Well it’s happened to me on a number of occasions! Other loo visitors use the time for quiet contemplation, planning of the day, planning of the life. Some, a minority I am sure, daydream of Carol Vorderman.
Whatever, once satisfied (and presumably empty), comes the moment of tension. Where is the dispenser? Well this should be obvious as you have probably been leaning ten degrees to right or left to accommodate your sitting position. This is due to a fucking great white monstrosity screwed to the wall in deliberate violation of your personal space. Now, you stoop, lean, twist your torso, then twist your elbow at an unnatural angle backwards because these guys know their ergonomics when installing! All this so that you can reach up into the machine because there is no paper dangling! There never is any dangle, the machine is not designed for dangling paper! No fun for your opponents if they were.
Next comes the centre section of the game. Slowly turn the roll to feel for the end. Very similar, in fact, to Sellotape end location. For novices to the K-C game this is only the start. Slowly you build up the turning, feeling all the time for the elusive end. Then the next stage…..reverse the direction of turn. This to see if it has any effect. It won’t have but you’ve gotta try. Alternate direction of spin for several minutes varying the speed from slow, dead slow to micro movement. Once the end cannot be located, ‘ ‘cos it seems to have been glued down. Start spinning at a faster rate. When this fails, as it will, start going faster. The logic here is that when you stop the spin abruptly, the end will fall. It won’t ! But, keep going, spinning faster and faster stopping sharply at various locations around the circumference to see if it falls. Does it fuck!
Now you must stop and take a breather. Listen, firstly to hear if you are alone in the toilet as by now you are feeling embarrassed. Don’t be. From a Kimberley-Clark loo paper dispenser veteran – don’t be. For one, nobody can see you sitting there, trousers down/skirt up, pants at ankles spinning a loo roll in some frustrated form of “Wheel of Fortune”. For two, don’t be distracted by negative thoughts. This is the time of absolute concentration if you are not to let the bastards beat you!
If you are not alone in the stalls you will know. The sound of spinning loo rolls can be immense. In which case you are not alone.
You can even start a conversation.
In one airport WC, I once had a brief, verbal, relationship with a chap called Dean from Peckham.
He, like me was “spinning the roll” as we vets call it. During brief periods of respite between different tactics to get the bum wiped, we exchanged pleasantries and chit chat. He , on his way to Tenerife with wife and kids, had to get going soon as he reckoned his missus would be reporting him missing. After a further brief chat, during which we agreed the Managing Director of Kimberley-Clarke should be crucified on a tampon dispenser, he managed to “find an end” and, after a further eight minutes, was off to Tenerife with a cheery farewell.
Why eight minutes later? I shall tell the novices among you as the experienced will know what’s coming!
Once the roll end has been found the battle isn’t over.
It is vital not to celebrate no matter how pleased you may feel. Easier said than done I’m afraid. You pull on the loose end with glee, and always too hard. It comes away and all you have is one miserly piece of industrial grade tissue you can read newsprint through. Being fair, this grade of bum wipe is five times better than that in Cuba. But I’m not in Cuba where it may constitute a luxury item.
I am in the UK where it constitutes fuck all.
The process begins again. The end has to be located again. Possibly several times more depending on your delicate handling or lack of it.
If you are lucky you can locate the end again, then twist your body alarmingly to use both hands to tenderly pull, hand over delicate hand, to achieve enough of the paper to fold into a micron thick pad to use on your, by now, dried posterior.
Then you are, if you haven’t missed your plane, train ,or job interview, on your way.
I can offer several pieces of advice to convenience users throughout the UK.
Take your own toilet paper with you, sit, s*** and feel smug
Carry a very thin piece of metal shaped at the end to resemble the key used by the sadistic bastards to open the dispensers for refilling. Trust me, an ignition key for a Ford Galaxy, or any other car for that matter won’t work.
Upon opening the cubicle door and seeing a gigantic white dispenser, check and if it is a K and C unit just leave. Better on the sanity to take the discomfort, and risk, involved in departing
Immediately upon entering a K and C stocked cubicle, employ the “Glasgow ” technique. Whilst still standing, lower the toilet seat. Rip the disposer straight off the wall while you have the balance and torque necessary. Place the unit on the toilet seat (workbench) and attack the machine until you have rescued the complete roll.
Sit, use, wipe and, if feeling in a humanitarian mood, leave the roll for the next person.
Rant over