Alright, alright stop ringing the bell. I’m coming. Who are you?
Andy.
Andy who?
Not who, Heard. Andy Heard. From Deal. That’s in Kent.
I know where it is. Anyway, you can’t.
Can’t what?
Come in.
Why not?
We’re shut.
What! The Kingdom of Heaven is never shut.
We’re full.
You’re joking. Heaven can’t get full. It says so in your mission statement. Open the gate and let me in.
I can’t.
Why not?
They haven’t left me the key.
Left you the key? Where is it then?
In Saint Peters pocket.
Well where’s Saint Peter?
He’s gone on holiday.
Oh for fu…. Where?
Gran Canaria. Him and God.
What for?
Some sun they said.
Oh sweet Jesus!
He’s gone as well. Got a package deal for three.
Who are you then?
I’m the silly bugger they left behind.
I meant your name.
Oh. John the Baptist. But round here more John the Dogsbody.
Well I need to get in John. I don’t want to go to the other place on offer.
Why not? It’s probably more fun than here.
I say! Is this Heaven?
Who are you?
My name is Rees-Mogg. Jacob Rees-Mogg.
And I suppose you want to come in too.
Yes I most certainly do. I wasn’t expecting to be here so soon but now that I am, I command to be let in at once, do you hear me? I don’t expect to be seated at God’s right hand for a week or two yet but somewhere close will do for the time being.
Can’t.
What? Why not?
He hasn’t got the key.
Who are you?
I’m Andy Heard, from Deal,
Never heard of it.
Well, you have now and I was here first, ok?
We shall see. You there, gateman, are you in charge then? What’s your name?
John the Baptist.
Well Baptist, I demand entry. Is there another way in?
Nope this is it. These are the only Pearly Gates. And they are locked shut. Very much so.
This is preposterous. Bloody ridiculous administration if you ask me. Has Jeremy Hunt been organising again? Well we shall just have to climb over. You there, Heard was it? make a foot for me and I’ll climb over.
Not bloody likely. If I was that much of an idiot I’d have voted for you. I help you over and then I’m stuck ‘ere with no one to help me. Not on your heavenly body old chum. If I’m staying put, you’re staying put.
There’ll be no climbing over anyway by anybody. Health and Safety.
Health and Safety! We’re dead!
No matter. No climbing on the gates. By Order.
Whose order ?
Gods’ that’s who. He doesn’t like people climbing on his gates. The only ones that can get up there are angels, OK? And that’s only when there’s no empty clouds for them to have a breather on. Rushed off their wings they are since Brexit.
What’s going on here John?
Oh, Saint Peter. What are you doing back. You should have taken off hours ago.
Ryanair. Cancelled the flight at the last minute.
So where are God and the young ‘un?
Oh they’re trying to get standbys to Marrakesh. Didn’t fancy it myself. Can you imagine the three of us there with these robes, hair and beards. We’d look like the Rolling Stones on Mescaline. Now what’s going on?
These gents are wanting to come in.
Good job your back.
Who are you?
My name’s Andy Heard. From Deal. That’s in Kent.
I know where it is. We’ve been expecting you. Let us down a couple of times last year didn’t you?
Sorry. Not my fault really. Blame the surgeons.
No matter. We’ve always got the next in line to call on. Well what’s the holdup John the Bap? Let him in. His paperwork is complete I know. Just look it up. It’s all stored on the cloud these days
I would let him in Saint Pete but you’ve got the key.
Oh. Have I? Oh so I have. Sorry, here it is. Good job I came back or we’d have had a long queue in a week eh? And that Trump fellah would be making a helluva fuss when he gets here day after tomorrow.
What about me?
Who are you?
My name is Rees-Mogg.
Jacob Rees-Mogg, the Politician?
Yes. That’s me.
Fuck off.
*******