The Swimmer

The four couples sat on blankets on the stony beach. The sun shone. A bottle of wine was open, well on the way to being finished. Once empty it would join the two bottles already waiting for disposal.

“She looks a strong swimmer,” one of the men said.

Those of the group with their backs to the sea turned to look. They all agreed the young woman swimming was practised. Strong strokes propelled her through the water quickly. The tide was going out and she would need to be strong.

She was a way out.

None of the group realised how strong the current was that far out so made no comment on the distance.

They could, however, all appreciate the style and strength they were witnessing.

The swimmer was further out than she was last week. Further still than the week before that.

Battling the powerful tide on her way back in.

She was very attractive. In her mid thirties. Although the viewers could not see that from the beach.

She swam here regularly. Three or four times a week.

Living only a twenty minute drive away she could pick her times. A drive, a twenty minute swim, a drive back. Regular. A ritual.

No different to anyone visiting a gym in their lunchtime.

Not too much time out of a busy day although she was forced to visit at different times. A little inconvenient but necessary to ensure she always caught an ebbing tide.

That was the way to build both stamina and strength.

As she swam she thought of her lover. A man she wanted to be with. He was good for her. She swam and recalled the moments they had snatched together. Or she imagined those yet to be snatched. Occasionally she swam and thought of the man who stopped her being with her lover. Her husband.

Her husband was a nice man. They got on well. She liked him but the passion, the storm, had gone. She wanted, no, she needed her lover.

A divorce would have been possible. There was no reason why not. There were no children in their six years together.

No major encumbrances of any kind actually. But the house would need to be sold in any divorce. These days too, she would probably have to pay him money in any split.

She did not like the thought of that.

She thought all this as she swam.

Always against the tide.

On those days that she couldn’t swim in the sea she went to the gym.

It was not the nearest gym to either home or her studio, nor the best. But it had a pool. Not a conventional pool but one of those that resembled a long trough of water that had a flow to it. You swam in and against a constant stream of water.

The same principal as a static bicycle.

The swimmer controlled the strength of the surge. She was now on a high flow rate.

She swam, getting nowhere but stronger.

Her husband was a little surprised, but still pleased, when she had suggested a long weekend away in Sawbridge, a seaside town on the east coast. She explained that it had featured in a recent magazine and received good reviews. It may be September but there were still sunny days and fine evening weather. The hotel she had booked was five stars and the restaurant was raved over.

They had driven there the following Friday evening.

The Saturday was fine and sunny. She had suggested a swim after a late afternoon walk. Too cold he had complained. She had chided him. Man or mouse. Just a dip before dinner. It would be good to swim then return and shower warmth back in. Perhaps together.

So they had swum. Just beyond where the promenade finished and fewer people walked.

Their clothes were left neatly piled on the stones near the water. The towels left ready to welcome them on their return.

The sea would not wet their things. The tide was going out.

Not too far out she had said, the tide is turning. We won’t be in there long she had said too.

The water was cold. It always is on the East coast. It is anywhere around the British Isles.

They did not go out far. But far enough. Then just a little more. She called out that it wasn’t that bad was it. She could not hear his answer so he swam out nearer her so she could hear.

After ten minutes her husband said he was cold. That he was concerned. They were further out than he realised, or liked. He was struggling and not making any headway back.

The shoreline seemed, and was, a long way away.

She called to him not to panic. That she would get back and get some help.

Tread water she said. She would get help.

She began to swim.

He called after her but she appeared not to hear.

Strong, even strokes took her back against the tide.

Even she struggled at one point.

As she came out of the water a couple walking towards the promenade called.

“Is he alright?”

She looked behind and out to sea. Her husband was waving. She waved back.

“Fine thanks, He’s a stronger swimmer than me,” she said convincingly.

She waved again at her husband.

The couple wandered off arm in arm while she towelled herself dry.

Five years later, another group of couples sat on blankets on the same stony beach drinking chilled wine and beers. They too watched, admired and commented as a swimmer cut through the water some way out from shore.

She swam against the tide.

Four and a half years back the swimmers lover had moved in. He had asked if she needed more time from the tragedy she had incurred. She had not.

They had married after eighteen months.

They enjoyed life together. She still had no children nor desire for any.

He was a good man, life was good. At least, OK. He was still a good lover to her, but.

He had been surprised and pleased when she had suggested a long weekend away to a small village some fifteen miles further on than a place called Sawbridge.

It’s on the East coast she had told him. A boutique hotel with a Michelin star.

It was September. Still some good days she had said. Still some warm, sunny evenings too she had added.

They were due to go next Friday.

Her lover husband did swim, occasionally, but not too well.

Lately she swam each day. She had rejoined the gym.

She said her body needed toning.

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Ryanair when you phoned

I found this recently. I must have typed it years ago – when you phoned to book…..shows how old….

 

Ryanair

So yous don’t want insurance then?

No thanks,”

What, you’ll take the risk will ya?”

Yes, I’m sure it’ll be ok.?”

My God, only an Englishman would take a gamble like that! Going all that way and NO insurance! Are yer sure now?”

Yes, I’m sure.”

Oh well then, Ok it’s up to you I suppose. What about a suitcase? “

What?”

A suitcase . Would yer be liking a suitcase?”
Err no thanks, no suitcase. I’ve got my own.”

Yer won’t be having a suitcase? It’s the perfect size. Guaranteed.”
No thanks …………no suitcase.”

My God ! not a suitcase. Ok then hows about yer own seat ? eh? Yor very own seat now… all to yerself.”

Er, no thanks, “

What! Yer won’t be having a seat ? you’re really, really special own seat now? “

Well is it different from all the other seats.?”

No ‘tis not. It’s the same but it has more room fer yer legs it has. would be yer very own seat that no other can sit in an’ yer can stretch out allyers wantz“
But I’m only five foot four, and once I’m sat in any seat then no-one can sit in it can they? So that will be my own seat.”

But we’ll save it for yers. It’s yor own seat with a unique piece of A4 copy paper with “reserved” printed on it . Ya mean yer won’t be wanting your very special own seat ?”

No thanks.”

Sweet Jesus. I’ll not be believing this. Well will yer be needin’ a car? You’ll need a car when ya get there won’t ya now?”

No. No car.”

What! yer won’t be walking from the airport to the resort now will ya? You’ll be fair knackered if you do. And what about a bit a sight seeing when yous there?”

No thank you . No car hire needed ……….but THANKS”

I just don’t believe it! Sweet Mother of God I don’t believe it!

Look, just once more now – will yer be takin g the insurance now – it’s great value, and you’ll never get insurance like this anyway …..”

NO ! NO insurance, NO suitcase. NO private seat. OK? Do you understand.?”

Sure, sure now, keep yer hair on……… ! Just the fucking flight then is it?“

Yes just the flight !!

Well there you go …. Print that off on yer own printer with yer own paper and yer own ink.. It’s yer boardin’ card. And thank yer very much for flying Ryan Air but next time will yer not go Aer Lingus?”

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The Zombie Nightmare

The Zombie

The zombie, for surely that was what it was, had seen me and

approached. I had heard that they were about.

It shuffled in a form of movement I had never witnessed before. Slowly it came on.

Relentless.

I was rooted with fear. Total, abject fear.

I fixated on the face with its white and waxy pallor of the newly dead.

I couldn’t for the life of me look away let alone run away. For where would I run. To what? To whom? Where would I hide? But I wanted to. Oh God yes, I wanted to.

My throat was suddenly parched. I sweated. I instinctively leant back but only felt the wall behind me.

Trapped.

Still it shuffled forward. Grotesque. Frighteningly unnatural. Not human. Anything but human.

The face was the worst by far. The clothes hung loosely over everything else but at least they hid the form beneath.

That face.

The hair receded back over an unnaturally huge forehead. Bad scars ran horizontally along the hairline. The cheekbones were high and prominent as in a wild cheetah on the hunt.

The lips, bared back over yellow teeth, were coloured a dark crimson like arterial blood. As though it had just fed.

I whimpered. This was the end. Surely.

Why had I not stayed in the safety of the home? Why had I left? I had known my trip outside could have catastrophic results.

Fuck, why did I leave? Why?

For two years I hadn’t ventured out nights.

I shook. Uncontrollably.

I heard no other sounds. There may have been other noise. Of similar confrontations going on around. Must have been other noise. There were many bodies I could sense, but I heard nothing. Nothing at all. The surrounding world was blotted out by sheer fear. Sheer panic.

The scientists know nothing. Fight or flight they insist is inbuilt. Balls. I did neither. I simply stood and trembled.

It got nearer with each wobbling, shuffling step. I was the quarry. Then, it was suddenly within distance to strike.

I could hear its breath. See more scars and discolouration around the ears and nose.

I spontaneously, naturally put my hand out in front of me, to parry? To protect? A futile gesture surely?

I have no idea.

Hi,” it said taking my hand, “I’m Veronica and I’m new to this speed dating,” it lied.

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Robins First Time

Driving over I could tell Robin was nervous. I would know of course. He is my seventeen year old son.

He hardly spoke during the fifteen minute drive. Normally he would be talking ten to the dozen about this or that or girls as would most seventeen year old boys finding their feet in the world.

We parked and went through a discreet, undistinguished side door

into a large, rather bare and seemingly temporary reception area. A highly polished wood floor. Two tub chairs and a sofa. Red drapes hanging on all four sides. Just a few poster style photos of smiling, attractive girls; each sending out a different message.

The girl that greeted us was very attractive. Young, with slightly oriental features. Tight fitting blue dress with a shiny black belt around a very slim waist. Black stockings.

Her jet black, bobbed hair shined healthily. If she wore make up, it was minimal. Her fresh face exuded a confidence of someone much, much older. With an enigmatic smile on her beautiful face, she reminded me of The Green Lady. A famous print of a stunning oriental girl with coal black hair. That print had hung on millions of walls in the sixties and seventies. A reminder of my  childhood.

I could sense her effect on Robin. His interest and nervousness increased.

“Hi” she said, ”are you Robin?”

He nodded but I answered “Yes. I phoned and made the arrangement for him. I’m his dad.”

“Great. I’m Veronica. Welcome Robin. How old are you Robin?”

“Seventeen,”

“OK, you’re seventeen and you haven’t……”

“This is his first time”, I interjected.

Veronica smiled.

Robin cleared his throat and asked nervously. “Will you be…the one that…? “.

“Oh, no.” she said “I am here to greet you and make you comfortable. One of the other girls will be along in a second to err, take you through it all. Don’t worry; you’ll be in great hands. We are all very experienced here. Don’t worry. She will deal with everything”

Soon another girl appeared through an unseen gap in the drapes. She was introduced as Carol. Perhaps a year or two older than Veronica but just as attractive and equally as confident in her manner. She was dressed in a maroon coloured outfit that hugged an enviable figure. Her professional smile showed glistening white teeth. She too wore black stockings.

“Hi Robin. Follow me.” She held her arm out to show Robin the way through the drapes as an air stewardess does when ushering you onto a plane. She smiled at me and said “Won’t be long”. I’m sure she winked as she followed him through.

The drapes muted most sounds but some got through. The occasional laugh. Men and Women’s muffled voices mingled together.  At one point a sharp cry made Veronica look at me then smile easily as she slipped through the curtains to investigate. She was soon back but gave no explanation.

A few more visitors had come in. Of all ages. Regulars no doubt as they were greeted mostly by name. After a brief chat they were either led through the drapes by Veronica or another girl came through and took each one.

During a lull in the arrivals Veronica smiled at me. “I’m sure he won’t be long. Can I get you a drink while you wait?”

“No thank you” I answered. I asked “How long have you been doing this, well, job.”

“Oh too many years” she said, “I’m older than I look. Are you sure there’s nothing you want?”

“Err no, no thank you. I just wanted to, well um bring him along to err…..you know the first….” I stuttered, under her gaze. I actually stuttered.

“Its not uncommon to have dads bring their sons along. Or even together. We’ve had mothers bringing sons as soon as they are old enough.”

“Really?” The surprise in my voice made her look quizzical at me. “Oh why not ..I suppose. These days … you know… ”. Yet another stutter.

A while later, the girl Carol came through the curtains. She led Robin by the arm with an almost maternal yet somehow intimate touch as she delivered my son, the man, back to me.

She was smiling up at Robin.

She gave a last, familiar, touch to his elbow as she said “See you again I hope” and she was gone. Disappearing back through the red drapes.

“OK” I asked.

“Yeah, sure, no problem”. He said in an “Aw shucks” type of way

I stood, we said goodbye together and I opened the door for Robin to step through first.

“Goodbye Robin,” we both turned to face the lovely, smiling Veronica.

“Don’t be a stranger now.” she said “Come back as soon as you’re able. We are always in need of blood donors.”            820

 

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that last supper

ok, this is an idea brought on by some conversation with, well, I can’t remember  but probably P and P.

Reservation for – Peter, Andrew, James, John, Mathew, Philip, Thomas, Bartholomew, James, Judas, Jude, and Simon, plus one

 

 

 

The Lads Last Get Together

 

 

“Hello you lot. Bloody Mary, who picked this place as the venue?”

“Simon, he always books the restaurants.”

 “Yeah, me, why? What’s wrong?”

 “It looks more like a Hashemite Brothel than a restaurant. I thought we were celebrating the Passover not a Passing on”

“Well he’s booked it for the next three weeks apparently.”

 “You’re joking, this is the last time I’m coming here.”

“It was cheap and local.”

“The story of your life eh Simon?”

“It’s got a lousy write up on Fezbook.”

 “What’s Fezbook?”

“It’s a new community group thingy. Started by that nerdy bloke; Googleheim I think he’s called.”

 “You mean Zuckerberg.”

“Oh yeah.”

 “Is he Jewish?”

Probably, Zuckerberg doesn’t sound very Roman does it.”

“Well he might be one of the Byzantine Zuckerbergs.”

“What are you having then Andy?”

“Anything but fish. If I never see another fish………..”

“The set meal looks good for four shekles.”

 “Set meal has very small portions apparently.”

 “No problem, have you seen what JC can do with small portions?”

“Yeah the set meal may be ok but everything on it is covered in humus.”

 “Do you mean Hamas.”

“That’s not for a few centuries yet.”

“What are you having Jesus?”

“Me? Not that hungry actually. Had a nasty turnout with the money lenders and it’s put me off grub. Bit ‘o bread will do me, and a glass of wine. You can all share it if you want.”

“Steer clear of the house wine JC, it tastes like vinegar.”

“This plate could do with a clean.”

“So could this cup.”

“Ugh yeah, it’s bad enough double dipping but doing it off them …”

“Hey Jude, who’s still to come?”

“Oh Matty, Phil, and Simon. ‘ere they sound like a singing group.”

“And Judas, he’s not here yet. But he’s always late. Oh, ‘ere he is now. Whooa, Snazzy shirt Judas?  Looks expensive. Come into some money ‘ave yer?”

“How many of us for drinks then?”

“Thirteen when the others get here.”

“Thirteen! that’s a football team and two substitutes. Shall we form one. We could be Jerusalem United.”

“Why not, we might win the Roman All Comers cup.

“We could at that. We could beat those Roman teams. They’re useless. All they do is roll around a lot shouting foul, bloody Prima Donas. All their refs are on the take, and the few that aren’t just wash their bloody hands when it comes to making a decision.”

“You’re old man can manage us eh Jesus? He’s got bugger all to do. We could clear that apple tree from his garden and get a great pitch there.”

 “He might pull off a miracle and guide us to a Euphrates Cup win in the first season.”

“Yeah, be good to win a silver pot straight off eh?

“You alright Judas? You went pale when he mentioned silverware….”

“Here they are, Matty, Phil, Simon. The Three Amigos. Come and give us a song.”

“Do you know “This Could Be the Last Time by the Rolling Grave Stones?”          

                                                                                        …………………

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The Return

I walked straight in.

I hadn’t knocked.

I didn’t expect anyone to be in there.

It was a surprise to see the lights on and Dave sitting in the corner. He looked up as if my entrance had dragged him from some deep thought, which I probably had.

I felt embarrassed. I looked away and began to mumble and apology which Dave interrupted.

“Shut up you silly bugger and come in.” He waved vaguely around the room at the empty seating.

I closed the door behind me, took a step to my right and sat down.

Dave looked at me over the rims of his glasses.  I had never seen him in glasses before.

“That wasn’t your place was it?”

I looked at him. “No”.

“Well sit where you should then”.

I stood, then walked around the central table and sat next to him.

“Christ you always did take up all the room”. He tugged his overcoat free from where I had sat on it.

“Balls,” I said too quickly, “you’ve put on weight.”

He grinned and although I knew I’d been had he had broken the ice.

Dave could always wind me up.

“I thought you might come, I looked for you but couldn’t see you.”

“I was late, traffic, you know. I came straight in and sat at the back. Too late to look for anyone. They had just kicked off.”

I didn’t mention that I was deliberately late. That I thought I might have been more embarrassed as to how I was greeted. It had been five years since I had last been here. Since I had last seen Dave, or any of the boys come to that.  And that visit had been almost five years after we had all broken up. Or been broken up more like.

“Any of the others here?” I asked.

“Just one or two.”

He looked towards the hook furthest away from us. Alan’s hook.

“Did you hear?”

“Yes, they wrote and told me but I couldn’t face the funeral.”

“You wouldn’t credit it would you? Forty two. Massive heart attack they said. He was the fittest one of the lot of us.”

I sat grim faced, unable to speak.
His eyes moved along to another hook. “And what about Phil? He quit, got a pub, then a divorce, lost the pub and all that worry gave him diabetes and the last I heard he might be going blind with it.”
I was shocked at that news. Phil had been the youngest of us. I still said nothing.

 

We sat quietly, reflecting, for several minutes.

 

From outside the noise of the diminishing crowd could be heard.

“They did well,” I said nodding in the direction of the pitch.

“Yeah. Yeah they deserved to win.” He sounded just a little grudging.

“Top of the league. Champions. Almost ten years to the day since we did it”

“Yeah,” was all he said.

 

We sat in silence for yet more minutes. It was not an awkward silence at all.

Dave came to life. “Remember when we won that last game? And we’d done it? We got back in here and the world and his friend were all crammed in. All that Booze? And then Peter bringing in that stripper. Up there.” He pointed to the treatment table in the centre of the room. “Right bloody there. And she got all upset ‘cos she’s stripping away in a room full of bloody footballers and we didn’t take a blind bit of notice ‘cos we’d just won the league”.

I laughed. He was right. I had forgotten all about it but he was right. She had gathered her things and stormed off. Her “artistic” talent obviously affronted by our indifference.

“Yeah, I remember, what the hell was her name? Lady Lola or something?”

“Christ knows” said Dave as we laughed ourselves into another silence.

“Brings back memories eh?” said Dave as he reviewed the room.

I just nodded.

“Do you know what I could never stand?” Dave asked suddenly.

I just shrugged.

“The smell.”

“What? Of the stripper?”

“No you bloody fool. All that embrocation and spray before a game. Couldn’t stand it. Never could.”

I laughed out loud. “All those years and you never said a word.”

“Bloody right I didn’t. I’d have been covered in the stuff every bloody week if I’d let on to you lot wouldn’t I?”

I laughed again.

“Yeah I suppose you would have.”

We sat there on the bench again in silence for quite some time. Forearms resting on our knees, heads bowed, looking down at the old and still familiar tiled floor. In just those positions we had sat, exhausted, after many a game. We were not so exhausted now, just remembering. Reminiscing.

 

Dave’s’ shoes had a fine coating of mud and grass on them where he had obviously walked across the pitch from the  new stand.

I pointed a finger at his shoes, “If old Charlie had still been alive and seen you walk across his pitch he’d have given you a right bollocking.”

Dave focussed on my shoes. They were in a similar condition as I had taken the same route.

“Yeah, and if he’d seen you he’d have said bugger all ‘cos you were the blue eyed boy who scored all the goals”.

I smiled smugly. He was right. I could get away with murder with any of the ground staff. Office staff too actually.

 

“Have you been in the new place yet?” Dave asked. The new stand and clubhouse had been completed just in time for these last few games of the season.

“Yup. I stuck my head in after the game to say well done. They seem like kids.”

“They are bloody kids” he said.

Again we lapsed into a silence.

“Did anyone recognise you?” he asked the question quietly and then looked sideways to watch me answer.

I turned and met his gaze.

“No. I even heard someone ask who I was as I left the dressing room.”

“Sad isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “All those years here. All those games. All those goals. And so soon forgotten.”

 

The next silence was broken by Dave asking “Shall we do what we used to do when we left this room?”

I turned slowly to look at him and grinned.

“Get rat arsed you mean?”

“Oh, you remember then?”

“Will you make sure I get home ok?” I asked in false innocence.

He stood. His big, imposing frame fuller than I remembered.

His eyes glinted mischief.

“I did after every home game for eight years didn’t I?”

“Yeah, you did come to think of it.”

I stood and Dave put his arm around my shoulder and began to steer me towards the door when it opened. We stopped and looked at Peter

whose massive shoulders still filled a door frame. He obviously  looked after himself. “I knew I’d find you two in here” he said, “what are you up to?”

Peter or Peter the Great as he didn’t like to be known, had been our team manager when we had won out title. He was the only real survivor too. He was still in overall charge of the club whilst everyone else from boardroom to boot room had changed.

“Just admiring the old changing room boss” said Dave.

“This shithole” said Peter turning to walk away from us down the corridor, “come and see the new one.” He stopped and turned to face us, a huge grin on his face, “then the three of us can get pissed for old times’ sake eh?”

Dave and I looked at each other, smiled and shrugged in an almost perfect sign of resignation and began to follow Peter through the door and into the corridor.

“’Ere boss” I called. Peter stopped and turned. “We were just remembering when we did it, you know, the league? You got us that stripper in. Remember?”

“Yeah” said Dave, “what was her name? do you remember Boss?”

Peter roared with laughter and turned on his heels.

“Come and ask her yourself, she’s doing a turn in the new dressing room.”

I looked at Dave. He was obviously thinking the same as me.

“She must be getting on a bit mustn’t she” he asked.

The boss was still laughing as he strode away, “It doesn’t seem to matter,” he called back over his shoulder, “they’re all ignoring her anyway.”

 

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Thank you Mr Microsoft

Thank You Mr Microsoft.

 

Thank you for scanning my computer. I didn’t ask and you did it for me.

Thanks.

Oh, and thanks for finding the virus that was “infecting” my machine. Boy, without you looking, unrequested, I would never have known. It is refreshing, so confidence building, so reaffirming of the goodness of humanity, that people, such as you, are there, guarding the likes of me. I am touched.

Genuinely moved. You must sit and watch for such, well, the only words I can find are “socially deviant scum,” that seek to cause mayhem for the average home computer owner. The simple, humble man or woman, that merely wishes to chat with family on Skype say. Or perhaps send loved ones around the world an email of affection. Converse with the Gas board, the local Council, the NHS. Possibly even their bank.

These people, such as myself, have no idea, no concept of the malevolent harm that some, again those words, “socially deviant scum” wish to cause the innocent user.

Thank you. Thank you so much. I am truly humbled in my appreciation of your guardianship.

Unrequested guardianship at that.

I am astonished at the technical brilliance you must possess to have searched for, and found, that virus on my computer. My own computer, out of the millions in the country you helped save mine from such evil.

Please do not disillusion me by modestly saying you stumbled across it. I wish to believe in your astounding ability to have sought and located this potential disaster.

I thank you again. My family thank you. The Gas board, local Council and the NHS thank you. Perhaps even Barclays Bank will thank you. You are modestly nameless, but I shall call you a twenty-first century saviour.

Indeed you are.

I am so overwhelmed by gratitude, dizzy with appreciation, that I must go and lie down to recuperate. This means I shall have to phone you later, and not immediately as you request. Then we can, together as you say, reset the security settings and pick a new password for everything.

We can do this after my rest.

In the meantime I suggest that you too, take time to relax from your vigilance. This watchfulness must be tiring. Take a break. Chill. Recharge the batteries ready for the future onslaught and fight against “the hackers”.

I will call you back later.

In the meantime , please , please, I beg you…..  hold your breath.

 

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Diane Abbott ….that kiss

“Hello, hello …Diane?”

Hello…. oh it’s you Jeremy..”

“Are you ok?”

Yes of course I am. Why shouldn’t I be.”

“Well I heard that you had been sexually abused last night.”

Who told you that?”

“It was in the Daily Mail this morning.”

Well I wasn’t. And what are you doing reading the Daily Mail?”

“It’s better than the Socialist Worker, probably more accurate too.”
“I was not sexually abused Jeremy. More like sexually insulted.”

“What happened?”

I was simply in the bar having a drink when he tried to kiss me.”

“Who?”

David Davis.”

“David Davis! For Gods sake! Was he drunk?”

I beg your pardon?”

“No, no I’m sorry. I didn’t mean.. I meant …what made him do it?”
“Jeremy!”

“Don’t get me wrong Diane, your’e a very er, um, attractive woman …and all that, but David bloody Davis! Even you can do better than that.
“Exactly Jeremy. Now you know why I feel so insulted.”

“Yes, yes. I understand. Completely. Who’d of thought it eh? David Davis making a pass at you.”

I’m not sure it was a making a pass or taking the piss actually.”
“I know,I know. Its difficult to tell the difference sometimes Diane. Where did all this happen Diane.”

Well, I was having a drink with Baroness Chackers in the Commons bar when up he came and, well, tried to plant one on me.”

“He probably mistook you for Theresa Mays arse.”

JEREMY!”

“No, no, I mean, …..he’s always kissing that these days.”

Yes, well, I told him to fuck off.”

“Everyone tells him to fuck off. His own wife probably tells him that over his morning porridge.”

I do not need David Davis trying to kiss me at all, ever! Especially not with the excuse of me finally voting Yes in the House”.

“Hmmm, it would have been better to have backed me sooner, Diane.”

I had a headache Jeremy”

“If memory serves Diane, you used to get an awful lot of headaches . Still, slapping Davis down is good, I am so glad you still have standards”

Jeremy….if you haven’t noticed, my standards in men has improved drastically over recent years – drastically !”

“Mmmm, goodnight Diane.”

Goodnight Jeremy.”

 

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First Transatlantic call …..did it go something like this?

 

Hello, President Trump?”

Yes, Hi Prime Minister May, or can I call you Theresa?”

Why yes of course……. Donald.”

Fabulous, fabulous ! I am so glad we met last week. It was amazing. We are going to have an amazing future. A fabulous, amazing , tremendous future. It’s going to be wonderful, just wonderful. An hour wasn’t enough time at all. We should schedule more time for our amazing meetings. “

Well yes an hour is not a ….”

Yes we need more time , fabulous time, next time we should discuss whats going on in the world and not crowd numbers. Did I show you the photos of the inaugeraton? They are amazing , fabulous just amazing…”

Yes , yes you did and they were, as you say, amazing but I wanted to talk to you about something else Mr President….”

Donald …please, it’s Donald. And did I tell you how fabulous it was to hold hands with you last week?”

Oh err, no ..you..didn’t actually…”
“Well it was Theresa. Truly. Truly amazing. Fabulous. It shows how we are going to get on so well together and have a truly fantastic relationship. Just fantastic. I can tell you now Melania was more than a little jealous you know.”

Really?”

Oh yes, sure, she went straight to her mirror, mirror on the wall for reassurance. Yes, she actually said, how could I do something like that, with that ugly cow. Theresa, I told her, for sure, I told her, truthfully, truthfully, I would not lie, she had it all wrong, completely wrong, so so completely wrong and that you weren’t that German bitch Merkel…..”

Mr Presid….Donald, if I may..”

You are…”

Pardon”

You are May. A Theresa May. Just my little joke Theresa. I like to think I can still joke with my friends and I consider you a friend Theresa. With a special relationship, just like our two countries Theresa, a special relationship that will get better more fantastic, more amazing…”

There have been marches. Donald.”

Marches?”

Yes. Womens marches Donald. Over your presidency.”

We call them parades over here …..”

Marches against you Donald.”

Why. Why would women march against me?and how many ?”

Many Donald. Very many. Thousands. The papers here say many, many thousands Donald.”
“You can’t believe numbers Theresa. I, of all people know that. Lies, foul lies.”

Well a lot Donald, an awful lot.”
“Are they attractive?”

Who? “

The women, the women marching . Are they attractive and any with big boobs.?”

Well I really dont’ know Donald.”

And do they like powerful men Theresa, or stars. Can you get your CIA or whoever you have to find out Theresa. Women like stars and power. They love power y’know. And get the numbers Theresa. the numbers Theresa”

Well hundreds of thousands marching actually Donald.”

No. Phone numbers Theresa, their phone numbers. See what you can do on their numbers.”

We’ve also got protests in the house Donald.”

Your house Theresa?”

The Houses of Parliament Donald. Our seat of power in Britain”

Oh that. We’ve got something similar here Theresa called Congress. But not for long”

I am getting shouted at by the opposition over your banning Muslims from the United States.”


“Is your opposition Muslim Theresa?”

No. Not yet.”

Then why are they complaining?”

They are saying that if I didn’t know you were going to pass the order the second I left, then I at least should be telling you to rescind it.”

Well, you didn’t know Theresa. We may have a special relationship but that doesn’t go as far as me being honest with you. And what does rescind mean?”

I am getting intense pressure from Jeremy Corbyn.”

Who?”

He is the leader of the opposition Donald.”

Is he any good?”

He leads the opposition. Even they don’t want him so, no.”

He sounds like a nobody to worry about Theresa. I gotta tell you.”

And Diane Abbott is saying I …..”

Diane who?”

Diane Abbott, she is in Corbyns second string too.”

Diane Abbott ? Is she attractive?”

I wouldn’t say that exactly Donald.”

Does she like stars, powerful men? “
“She had a fling with Jeremy Corbyn.”

So no then. Theresa, don’t worry about no hopers. No hopers are ten a dime Theresa. Just look at America.”

They are saying that I should retract the invitation to meet the Queen, Donald.”

Theresa, tell them all over there, and your Queen, it’s her job to meet men like me. What else is she is there for?”

Goodbye Donald !”

Goodbye Theresa”

 

 

 

 

 

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Our obsession with Trump

What is it about Trump?

Why are we in Britain obsessing about the man. Every news bulletin. Every front page of every newspaper. He has become Britains national obsession.
What do we care? We have our own problems to sort. The Americans have voted him in, now let them have him.

We deride him, moan about him, critisise him and generally act as though he is over here, ruining our country. He is not. We have our own idiots to do that.
Lets face it, he is doing absolutely nothing that he didn’t say he was going to do.
So whats wrong? Where is the surprise. And, what is it to do with us in Britain?

He is and idiot, but an American idiot and, thankfully, over there.

 

He wants to build a wall. Allegedly to stop Mexican degenerates and lowlifes coming in illegally. What’s so different from our Brexit. We, the Britis, voted to leave the EU and one of the biggest reasons was to protect our own borders. Trump is doing the same. We have a very large moat, he wants a wall. He’s building one, as he said he would from the off.

He has begun to dismantle Obamacare on the basis it is unworkable and will cost fortunes for others. As he said he would from the off.

He has cut up trade deals because he doesn’t like/want them and to give more Americans jobs making goods rather than importing them as in the coal production programme he is to reinstate. All as he said he would from the off.

 

He has reinstated the Dakota pipeline programme. Proposing to use American made pipes not the originaly proposed imported pipework. His basis was his campaign slogan, “Make America Great Again”, aiming to create jobs and wealth for Americans. All as he said he would.

So why are we, in Britain so critical about him and what he is doing? Let’s face it, we nearly had an even bigger mistake (some may say joke) of a leader in Boris Johnson. Would that have created such a furore in America if we had ended up with BoJo as PM? Very doubtful.  We should look at America and say “There, but for the Grace of God …………..”

 

So far he, Trump, is the only politician (?) who has done what he promised when campaigning. That in itself is a first, at least in my lifetime, surely. 

The recent, and widespread, womens marches highlight the apparent disregard he holds for females in general. Fair enough. I agree. He appears a misogonystic, chauvinist pig that expects to get his own way with women as he does with most other things. Regardless of whose feelings he offends. Possibly because he is a billionaire, and any adult knows that money usually buys most things that you want. However, the American women seemed to vote for him in the same numbers as men. They did not show too much concern at the ballot box where, it should be argued, it would have made a difference.

Women in Britain, and elsewhere, marching up and down streets will change nothing while women in America are making dicks like Trump a President. Women in Britain, and elsewhere, marching up and down against women in America doing stupid things may have more effect.
He doesn’t appear, at least on the surface, to have done anything like our television stars. As in raping, assaulting and grooming like Saville, Harris and Hall et al. Where were the marches of solidarity for womens feelings with that lot?
The argument that they, were not in positions of great power is only valid if Trump had been in such a position then. He wasn’t when these injustices against women were committed. They are not considered, at least not yet, to be worthy of prison as the cases in Britain. Until he uses his new power to actively encourage sexist and bad behaviour against women then the placards aimed at his attitude of women are probably out of place.

 

He has, as I write, banned Muslims from travel to the US to stop any influx of possible ISIS terrorists. As he said he would.

On the radio I have just listened to a bunch of no hope polititions, I believe they are referred to as the Opposition in the UK and led by a man called JC, screaming at Theresa May that it is all her fault and she must do something about it.

She can’t. Any more than he and his failed opposition policitos can.

Good God, we in Britain openly laugh at Corbyn, a man so unsuccessful his own team find him embarassingly lacking and want him gone. Why on earth would a narcissic, pompous, up his own arse, God fearing bigot dickhead, recently put in the position of the most powerful man of the “free” world, care. He doesn’t give a shit about millions of muslims in many countries. He is hardly likely to worry about a bunch of no hope chancers taking the opportunity to scream abuse at Theresa May for letting the President of the United States do exactly as he promised the American electorate he would do and them voting for him to get on and do it.

At the same time I suppose it explains the perfectly good reason why the British opposition party are the British opposition party. They, like the rest of us, are all consumed with what Trump is doing but least get well paid for the blaing of others whilst not achieving anything at all themselves.
I would point out to them and the whole of the UK that we have our own problems. Serious ones. Problems that need sorting before we have the nerve to tell the Americans how they should run their country and who they should have voted power to.

Stop this obsession with Trump. With America.

Let us get on with making OUR country better. Far, far more constructive to show America the way than doing nothing but ineffectual moaning that will achieve nothing.

 

Trumps lumbering, bull in a china shop, foot in mouth form of leadership and the insulting, hurtful, distateful American policies  are upsetting everyone. In Britain it is distracting us from our priorities. God forbid his policies and actions manage to stop one, just one, illegal Mexican rapist or one, just one, suicide terrorist bomber. If that becomes the case then there could be no stopping him. 

We all know that they probably won’t of course, but hey! he’s doing what he said – so let’s stop obsessing and let the Americans get on with being American.

It is none of our business in Britain. Let him get on with it. Let them get on with it. If he wants to insult, abuse, inflame, incite then it is up to the people of America to stop it. Not us.

Unless you believe we should we invade on the excuse of preferred regime change – I think tht is the terminology.

The Americans have given the ultimate mandate to a TV celebrity. The reason they did that is because they are American. You can work that insult out for yourselves.

 

As an added thought on this.

I voted in our referendum to stay in the EU. I am beginning to change my mind – slowly, and Trump has no small part to play in this process.

First, he didn’t lie to his potential voters. He has, or is, at least doing what he said on his campaign trail whether you, me, or hundreds of thousands of our women like it or not. Compare that to our politicians who had a complete u turn after lying and getting the votes they wanted over Brexit.

We are to leave the EU. Ostensibly to have control over our borders and people entering our country. Not to be dictated to by Brussels. To take control over our own future – and finances.

Yet we are told we must “negotiate” a so called “vital” trade deal with the EU. If we are to do this we would need to comply with all the EU regulations and laws we are currently complying with!

So we would end up with exactly what we have and we have already voted against that.
Perhaps, just perhaps, a leaf from the book of Trump may be of use. His “Make America Great Again” with jobs created or brought back to the States is no different from our “Buy British” campaign of the seventies or was it eighties? If we cannot negotiate a trade deal on our Brexit, why can’t we, Britain, start to produce jobs for our British workers. Let us open a few coal mines to produce our own coal and not import it. Perhaps we can start to boost our own farmers and food producers instead of buying in from Europe. If we resurrected our manufacturing industries we may not be so desperately reliant on the “Common Market” If we tore up any agreeemnets with China, the way Trump intends to, perhaps we wouldn’t need to buy their steel any more and we could reopen Tata Steel. Yes, it will be more expensive, so what? It looks as though things are going to get tough enough as it is so let’s make it worthwhile.

The people at Tata Steel in Port Talbot would be earning money and paying taxes and jobs will be created there and elsewhere in our country.We could be making our own steel, and better steel than the Chinese can appantly “dump” on us.

Why are we getting the French to build our new Nuclear plant? Cancel the order and let’s build it ourselves. Our concrete, our steel, our workers. We have voted to do things alone. We need leadership that will allow us , and encourage us, to do just that.

Britain has voted to stand seperate from the rest of Europe. We should do just that, or at least make a bloody good try at it. For no other reason than we are going to have to. Let’s start to make things again. To produce more. Create jobs and wealth. We have, and always have had, great technical abilities and innovation skills. Arguably the best in the world. Let’s use those talents. There is no reason why we cannot be independent and far, far more self sufficient. It would take hard work and leadership…and time. If we are to stand alone, then let’s do it. Let’s do a Trump and say screw you lot! Lets have our own “Make America Great Again” ………ours could be “Make Great Britain – Again”.
It’s got a good ring to it, don’t you think?

 

 


 

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