Heard in Deal

Well I’m back!

What do I think was the best of my holiday to Thailand?
Well, no disputing it was seeing the family really enjoying themselves. Especially Ava and Hattie in the pool. James and Kirsty seemed so relaxed as well.
Next – the food. I reallly got into it. Such a shame that I can’t get on with too spicy a food. But I enjoyed the  various experiments I did try – which I thought was very brave of me.
The people – very friendly and unaggressive. If they resented us Europeans in any way , they certainly hid it well.
The Beaches – are plain awesome. And we didn’t get to the very best at all.

Now I am back I miss the early morning wake ups with the order to “Swchim” One morning Hattie was in the room waking me saying “Schwim, schwim”. I tried to ignore her but still the cry was insistant, “Schwim, Schwim!” I closed my eyes, only to have one eyelid lifted up by a two year old thumb. I saw another eye directly in front of mine, so close that the eye was all I could see. “Schwim” it said. I gave up, got up and schwimmed.

The worst of the holiday?

Bangkok was too noisy and too crowded for me. That said, I would go back as there is still so much to see and do and getting my feet trodden on is a small price to pay. I shouldn’t have such big feet.

Not being able to replace my damaged camera until late in the holiday. It was, generally, a photographers heaven.

Regrets? Not photographing the Buddhist monk sitting in the temple on top of Monkey Mountain. Presumably there to welcome visitors and ensure no damage done etc etc. The photograph would have been great, he was watching a TV under his desk !

Another missed photo opportunity was the old rubbish lady. At least I think she was an old lady by her mannerisms. Sanpan wicker hat, thick coat in such heat. Gloves, mask, boots. She pushed a cart around the streets going through all the rubbish bins salvaging God knows what. Sorting all that rubbish into various sacks on her cart. We saw her several times during the day, always scavenging. Then one day I saw as she sat down, crosslegged on the dirt pavement for a break. She pulled out an Iphone and started tapping !

Apart from missed photos there was nothing to regret. It was a  great holiday and I am so glad that I managed to join the gang for it. I do hope I get the chance in the future.

Well it’s my last day in Thailand, and I am still unwed!
After a long lie in, I decided to do something completely out of character.
Yes, I went for a walk. Well the first part wasn’t a walk as I caught a River Boat down to some place called Fang Twat or at least that’s what it sounded like on the terminal tannoy.
It took me four hours to walk back! Admittedly it wasn’t solid walking because I kept making detours and going in places I shouldn’t.
Still, no one threw me out of anywhere but I reckon it came close a couple of times. I went in a Bhuddist Temple, a Catholic Church and a shanty town. I skipped the Mosque that was nearby. I did this on the basis that there may well be some dozy bastard sitting in there with a waistcoat of Semtex. I feel safer with Bhudda ‘cos his lot are all pacifists. And the monks look cool in their orange robes. I think I want an orange robe, but I don’t want to shave my bonce to get one. Mind you, I’d probably look silly walking in Deal High Street – perhaps.
The places I went were all fantastic to see. Especially the shanty town. I had seen it from the river boat as we passed. It is built on the river front. Prime location if in London or another European city. What I didn’t realise was it went back about four hundred yards. There were long, narrow alleys each about ten feet wide. These extended from the river frontage down to the next main road running parallel with the river, as I say about four hundred yards back. Bearing in mind that the front on the river was about a quarter of a mile long, there must be thousands living in the hovels as that’s what they were. Each alley had a door every twelve or fifteen feet, on both sides. These were the front doors, in fact the only doors. Some of the doors were open, letting me see that each room was about fifteen feet deep, backing on to the next room of the neighbouring alley. They were built of anything and everything. Rubbish was strewn all along the alleys along with piles of all sorts of salvaged crap. Bearing in mind that the whole living area for the families in these places was about fifteen feet square it was no wonder that everything had spilled outside. It looked as though most of the cooking and washing was done in the alleys. I even saw pots and pans too old for cooking with but, with judicious use of some duct tape to patch the holes! could be used to store foods!
I deliberately walked down a couple of rows from the street to the river front before I had to turn and retrace my steps. No one stopped me. I got some strange looks indeed, but no one stopped me or made a fuss. The Thais, in general I’ve found, seem a very placid and quite cheerful race. They need to be to live in places like the shanty town.
Chinatown wasn’t much better in places. But it was certainly bigger. I wandered around there for quite a while.

And everywhere in Bangkok there is cooking. The stalls , carts, shops, open fronts to houses are all cooking as you pass. And it’s all for sale. The smells are unbelievable, as is the rubbish strewn everywhere.

On the doorstep of McDonalds there were even vendors set up to sell their wares. Not in the street in front but actually on the doorstep! I bet McD’s had tried to move them off !  no chance!!

I am sitting writing this at BKK, (international jet set speak for Bangkok airport) at one in the morning and I have to board the plane now.
I’ve had a great time here in Thailand, and I will try to come back to some topics as I recall them over the next few weeks. If for no other reason than to practise the writing. But I will also try and get my thoughts straight over travelling in general, when it takes you to see such extremes of how some people choose to live because they can. and how some have to live. The difference is alarming.
No wonder there are young Thai brides trailing after old bastards like me!

goodbye Bangkok, goodbye Thailand. And thank you

Black and white zebra crossings in Bangkok are for decorative purposes only. The white paint on the black road surface looks very chic.

A pedestrian on a zebra crossing in Bangkok is no longer a pedestrian but a target !

Taxi to Bangkok,
I made several mistakes with the taxi to Bangkok. the first, and by far the most serious was not going by train.
The second was not having an overdose of Mogadon prior to getting in the front passenger seat.
The third was falling asleep at the beginning of the journey when the traffic was lightest.
For a good couple of hours I slept. This left me with two hours plus of wide awake terror as we hit the outskirts of Bangkok in heavy rain and very heavy traffic.
The driver, Mr Boy, (yup, honest) must have taken twenty phone calls whilst I was awake, No, sorry, he must have received ten and made ten. The incoming calls were not so bad, Just look at the screen for a few seconds and take the call. It was the outgoing calls that gave me the severest rectal tremors. They meant the eyes were off the road for what appeared to be decades. First we had to plug the bloody phone in to the cigarette lighter socket – each time! Not necessary for incoming calls it would appear, but obviously vital for outgoing calls. Then the scrolling down to the recipient. Why we had to scroll through the whole bloody alphabet I haven’t a clue, but we did. Finally the call is made. Then he plugs his fucking ear piece in! This is going on while in severe, monsoon type rain and trying to see who the driver in front was talking to on his phone! I can honestly tell you that at some times I could not see the car in fronts number plate because we were just too close.
Now if you imagine the North Circular road in London, three lanes wide, with thousands of cars on it. I mean thousands. And all doing around 70 to 80 kilometres an hour, and literally in each others boots then you have a clue as to how I was feeling.
It was frightening.
Lane hopping was mandatory. Perfectly allowable to overtake on the inside if there was just a tiny chance of gaining a foot more of road. And if you could go from inside lane to outside lane and back again within a hundred and fifty metres then I feel sure you were entered for some sort of prize. Bear in mind that EVERYONE appears to be doing this!

We were in a Honda people carrier. They are fantastic cars. Somehow Honda have designed a car that can move sideways between two forward moving vehicles that has space between them around a metre shorter than the Honda itself. It is fucking amazing! And all this at a minimum speed of 70k per hour with the driver on the phone to his bookie, mistress, whoever and the passenger a gibbering wreck mopping up urine from the footwell.

Mr Boy, I might add, was no better or worse than everyone else driving that night. It was just dodgems, Bangkok style, and for real.
The traffic in Hua Hin was frantic, chaotic and dangerous in it’s own way. But Bangkok’s suburban terrorism on wheels brought a new meaning to our UK phrase of dangerous driving.
British traffic cops on the M25 would have orgasms and ticket writers cramp just ten minutes into a shift if we drove like this in the UK.
This was the first, and I hope the last, car ride I have taken where, halfway through it, I actually entertained the thought that I haven’t yet made a will.
Honest !

The Hotel was an absolute blessing to see. The receptionist was not only stunningly attractive but had impeccable English.
Her first words to me were ” Welcome to the Chatrium Hotel. We hope you enjoy your….. Are you alright sir? You’re very white”.

Unfortunately, due to Hattie taking an unrehearsed, Jaques Cousteau type underwater dip in the sea, it was necessary for Grandy to get himself wet. the camera he held in left hand while pulling Hattie with right was not waterproof! Hence no photos.

Inshaallah.

email to Peter after I had mentioned we were in the middle of a tremendous storm and he questioned which was worst, monsoon or the babes!

“You’re right of course. Storm or the kids? which is worse?
The storm has been going on all day and we’ve had three changes of clothes for the girls as they insist on “Dancing in the Rain” and “Muddlin'”.
Muddlin’, to you and me, is jumping in puddles until you are soaked through, and the puddles now are deep and wide!
You would think that good parents would discourage this sort of thing. Especially as Thai people giggle, laugh and point at the girls doing this. Not the case. Ava and Hattie are actively encouraged to enjoy themselves and just have fun in the rain.
Mind you, the parents do object to Grandad joining in. Spoilsports. I haven’t had so much fun in years although I’ve run out of changes of clothes!
The Thai people also find it funny to see some old bloke dancing in puddles. What a strange race  they are.

As for a new wife, I do have my eye on one woman here, but she wouldn’t be classed as a young Thai bride. She looks like she was around at the time of the Ming Dynasty and has only three teeth. But, she cooks the meanest banana pancakes you could dream of from her little street vending cart. These pancakes are to die for. Her cart though, has seen better days and I think a dowry of a new one will clinch the deal. I have visions of her pedalling her wares up and down Beach Street in summer. Could make a fortune.
There is of course a far younger girl available if Miss Ffyfe of 1912 turns me down. She is a definite potential young Thai bride. Much the same thing though, I have visions of her pedalling her wares down Beach Street – at any time. Could make a fortune.”

Every year I go on a golf tour with a bunch of around twenty four inebriates,  to Spain or somewhere similar for four days of golf and laughs.

Next Aprils tour is now being arranged and there is some discussion about luggage! These things happen when a committee attempts to make a decision for others. The problem is whether people wish to take hand luggage, hold luggage and/or golf clubs at all, what to take and so on….

I could not help but send my input here from Thailand for consideration……..

Now I know that there have been many jokes about me coming home with a young Thai girl in tow, or possibly two even, not least from James and Kirsty who are picking them out for me!
It is, however , a big deal here. For all those that have been to Thailand, they will know that you see old, even ancient men with a relatively young woman in tow. In restaurants, bars ,hotels, there are couples who appear totally mismatched until you realise that the girl has basically been bought. I am still in two minds as to whether I am shocked and disgraced or just envious!
It is, seemingly, just a basic business arrangement. One that, on the surface, appears to be good for both sides. The man, gets a younger companion. Presumably to look after him, cooking cleaning and I guess sex too. The girl/woman gets to be looked after and, apparently in a lot of cases, her family is part of the deal. This means that they are taken out of the poverty trap and have a reasonable standard of living.
I am not talking here of the straight forward hookers available for the male tourists everywhere you go. The arrangements I am seeing are more long term, with men setting up homes here with a bride, even if the man is not always permanently here. From their point of view they are taking on responsibilies (at least some if not major ones) in return for companionship and whatever.
Is it all any more seedy than some wives in loveless marriages in the UK who are stuck in an arrangement for want of anything better. Or what about prearranged marriages in Asian communities, even in Britain?
So I cannot make up my mind whether it is just too seedy or to be a complete male chauvinist pig and get out my wallet, buy a little thatched hut on a beach and get shacked up.

As for the hookers, well that is something different. There are working girls in every city in the world so Thailand is no different. It is just more acceptable and open.
James took me to the night market the other evening where there were thousands of stalls, a bustling moving mass of people in a small section of the city, and, in the side streets adjacent, bars full of working girls.

Once we had finished buying shirts and so on, and had had our fill at the food stalls we walked back through the side streets.
As we walked past the bars and the girls in them, we were waved at, whistled at and generally invited to join them. I have never felt so popular, In the words of the now defunct News of the World reporting, we made our excuses and left !

Well here I am. I have been here for nearly a week now and havent had a chance to write about it all as there is so much to do. The girls,Hattie and Ava, are having a whale of a time. Each day, around 6 and always before 7 am,  I am woken with the demand for “Schwim, schwim” from Hattie, or a more simple approach of a punch in the neck from Ava to force me into the pool. I am not an early morning person. Never have been really. Certainly not one for “up and into excercise” ! But I’m getting used to it. I am set up to be totally surprised  at being pushed in the pool every morning as though it is the first time ever.

An hour or two of swimming is followed by breakfast. usually of standard British fare in some Thai restaurant. Sausages, bacon  and eggs are advertised. Sausages are frankfurters, bacon is something else entirely and eggs are – well eggs are eggs. All other food though is Thai. I have taken to it so much I shall just have to get one of these new kitchen gadgets that produces authentic Thai food. They are called Thai brides. More of those later!

After breakfast it is usually back to prepare for a trip out somewhere. we go to the beach if it is a little cloudy and overcast as the sand will burn your feet and it is too much for the girls (and Grandy) if its a normal , sunny day. Weve also been to Monkey Mountain where there are , unbelievably, lots of monkeys. at feeding time these monkeys look like rats from Hamlin as they come from just about everywhere.

The food though is wonderful. I am not kidding when I say I’ve taken to it in a big way. Ava has not had a meal so far that hasn’t been centred around prawns. Hattie, well her meals sare centred aroound food ….any food. She is just an eating machine. I have had the lot. Fish, meat, vegetables and all served with rice that tastes fantastic.

And above all I just love the street vendor food. Not something I would entertain in the UK but here, well, it seems it is standard way of life.  the street stalls, and there are thousands of them, prepare early in the morning and cook on the most basic of stoves and just carry on cooking all day feeding the hordes. Fantastic to see.

must go now, “schwimmin time”