Heard in Deal

Well it’s been so long since I added to these pages ! and so much has happened in the last months.
The highlight, at least for me, was the second visit to Abu Dhabi at the end of March to see the gang.
They have a good – no – a great, family lifestyle. I have had to eat my words about them going in the first place. I was probably the only member of the family that thought it a bad move. Boy! was I wrong and I have changed my mind.
It was a brave thing to do with such young babes but they all seem content. Ava is now the cutist little madam, Hattie the coolest, laid back eating machine ever.
Mum and Dad seem to have it cracked. Mind you, it must have been tough work to get where they are now and it’s always hard to have  two little ‘uns, but especially so in a new country. But they are getting there, hard as it still is. I am proud of them.

Now that they have joined the facilities over the road in the newly built hotel – jacuzzi, Sauna, Gym and a fantastic pool, it seems that we will have two water babes soon. No, three when you include Kirsty! James does not fall into a babe category!! It was tear jerking to see Ava swimming in her little flotation top, and now she’s not using that apparently.

I found the funniest thing was Hattie in her mobile carrier. You know, one of those carriers with wheels that you suspend baby in and then she pushes herself around. Regular calls of “incoming” had me laughing and dodging out of the way as this Hatmobile hurtled around the apartment crashing into everything in it’s path – including shins and feet if you didn’t heed the warnings! She had absolutey no fear in that buggy. I can’t wait to see her grow and start driving. She’ll be a match for any of those lunatic Emiratees. And believe me they are mad. I did have a go at driving to and from the Ex Pat Rugby club one evening. So that Mum and Dad could have a break and a drink. I’m not sure if J & K would have preferred a loony Emirati taxi driver but – at least we all survived my driving !

I love ’em all to bits and can’t wait to see them again, unfortunately it may well be a while before I can. Thank God for Skype eh? and now we can actually read Ava a bedtime story over Skype it’s fantastic. Plus, Kirsty is always posting new photos on Facebook. Daily. It is brilliant to see them and it makes you feel in touch that much more.

I flew Etihad this time. On the way out they lost part of the luggage. No big deal really – except if you were James waiting outside for over an hour while they located it. And on the way back I turned up exactly twenty four hours late for my flight. I was furious as it was a printing error on the flight confirmation that caused the problem. I had a frantic couple of hours getting on a plane and had to pay again. In fact , furious isn’t the word. I fired off a nasty letter to Etihad and they had the good grace to apologise and promise to refund my expenses. It’s so annoying when people admit they are wrong, say sorry and make restitiution. It gives you nothing to rant over. I could have kept that going for ages!

My trip was fantastic. So enjoyable. But it’s full on for sure. Those babes are a constant handfull from early morning till they collapse. Fortunately they collapse just a short while before James and Kirsty!!

Moving house is the most stressful of all tasks. I have read that divorce is and, yes it is. Very. Bereavment too is stressful. just as redundancy and getting married in the first place. Personally I think creeping out the back door as hubby is coming through the front gets the heart beating like nothing on earth but thats only my opinion and not backed up by any scientific evidence. But moving house is very traumatic too. It has every ingredient for stress. Apart from the physical effort required packing things up and shifting them around in preparation for the removers, there is the sheer mental effort needed. The sorting out of what must go, stay, be given away, sold or left in the front garden for the Romanian gypsies to collect is tantamount to huge business decisions of HS2 proportions. It would be easier to decide on Scottish independence than whether there is enough time to sell the  twenty year old deckchairs on eBay or dump them over the back fence. And what about the tools in the garden shed? God they’ve been there for decades and never been used but might just be required in the new place – even though you haven’t got a garden where you’re going it’s still a tough call!

I had to do it recently. The family house of five generations has gone. Sold. Is no more in the Heard family empire. I sorted out and disposed of lots. Kept more. And reminisced over it all. the photos were the worst. Of course they were kept but had to be viewed first. Also the Daily Telegraph orbit of my Mum, placed by a friend of my son, was a reminder of all that happened in that house. But really I was lucky. It all had to be done quickly and there was little time for too much sadness. In fact, if truth be told, I even felt a little guilty that I didn’t feel as bad as I thought I should. I had fully intended to write a brief history of the house and the family just to give the new owners a snapshot of how it had been a family house throughout. They, a young family with two year old twins, perfect for carrying on the tradition, had to make do with me telling them that there were no ghosts and it was a happy house. It was and I hope it always will be.

I will return to my family, it’s history, and the characters involved, at a later date. They deserve and merit their stories being told.

They breed. Coat hangers breed. Well in Spain they do.

Just a year or so ago I removed all the various coat hangers from the wardrobes and purchased new ones. All the  same. Made of wood. Some with a wooden bar across from the two ends to fold trousers over some without the bar. Most were made of dark wood but a few light coloured wooden ones were there as well. They were left in the wardrobes for every visitor to use. they looked good all lined up hanging there waiting in line for some use. All the same size, symmetrical, regimented, at attention. I felt good that day I remember. I had somehow tapped in to the neat and orderly side of my physche that is deeply hidden and rarely seen from me.  I looked on Wednesday and they have multiplied. Jeez have they multiplied. Like rabbits. Where the fuck did they come from? Most, but not all of the wooden ones have gone. Perhaps they’ve died off having shagged themselves to death procreating. I now have a wardrobe full of multicoloured offspring. Plastic ones mainly – of all shapes and sizes. Wood begating wood equals plastic of any hue it appears. Some with little hooks on the corners as well as a bar across. I guess these are the female of the species as they are more brightly coloured and have a serrated bar across as some adornment.

I had simply wanted to make the wardobes neater by getting all the same hanging there. I hadn’t realised that I was colonising. But if I was then why are they all different? I should feel like God I suppose, but one look at the mish mash and sheer number of types, sizes and styles of hangers now habiting my wardrobes shows how difficult it is to get  a breed of identical prodiginy. No wonder Mengele struggled with cloning little Adolfs in The Boys from Brazil.  It’s impossible with just coat hangers apparently.

Well here I am in the sun. And, after yesterday, a Lanzarote residente. A brief visit to the local police station sitting in front of a female dragon of a Spanish civil servant who, I could tell even without the language, would be hell to live with.   Miserable, grumpy and insufferable. Any judge in the world would offer leniency to a man who overstepped the mark and threw a toaster in her bathtub whilst she was in it scrubbing her scales. Still, Christine took the brunt of it, I got the rubber stamp on the necessary papers, and I won’t have to see her again in my lifetime so all is well.

I couldn’t have done it without Christines help. It would have been a minefield of beaurocracy and in a language I cannot seem to master. I thanked Chris in the time honoured way of buying her a coffee and toasted tea cake. A thank you in any language.

Mind you, she made me pay last evening by making me accompany her to a meal with old “friends” from the North of England. Over here to enjoy themselves – I think. God knows how. Him, the elder, never made eye contact once and if he smiled at all it wasn’t at me. Her, his wife, was better, but unfortunately not sitting near enough to me for good conversation. I didn’t see her smile either but at least she looked me in the eyes and put some effort in. Him, the younger, was far better. He spoke to me, made eye contact and listened when I raised my voice above his to get a word in. Her, the younger, (his the youngers wife) was a total and complete pain in the arse. Loud, with a voice that could call back the troops. Overbearing, and so far up her own arse she could probably play Chopsticks on her tonsils. And pissed after one glass of wine of which she had four. She asked me three times if I had any family. The first time I explained how many, where they lived and a very brief history. Less than sixty seconds later I got asked the same question and I politely pointed out she had just asked that and repeated the first names and she recalled “oh yeah yeah I remember now”. Two minutes later she turned to me again and asked the same question “Have you any family?” By now I’m thinking thick? pissed? altzheimers? what? I settled on Northern which actually covers, and probably includes, every possible scenario. This time I made a joke of it, “Am I that boring that you don’t remember what I say ?” I asked. “Well a person can’t be interested in every fucking person they meet  can they?” was the reply. ” I mean it’s just not possible is it?”  This said at some decibel level for the surrounding tables to take a point of view on the subject. In fact someone in Madrid could’ve taken a point of view. Some woman eh? A proper lady to take somewhere. Preferably an unstable cliff edge.

It was Christine that diplomatically suggested we leave a little early to get back. A good idea. I guessed she was as enthralled by Her the Younger as I was.  In the car I said to Chris “You didn’t want to face that lot on your own did you? hence the invitation” “Correct”. “And you really dropped me in it didn’t you? ” “Correct”. “No warning of what to expect eh?” “No”.

I can’t hold it against her….she helped me get my Residencia !

Anyone want a bad back? I’ve got one going spare. No charge and free delivery.
I can also offer a small dollop of bad hearing, athletes’ foot and tinnitus for a left ear. The dodgy knee I may keep for future use. And I’m certainly keeping the underused willie for sure. Well you never know!
Of course the eyesight is not what it was but I really should hang on to it for a little longer.
I was going to put up the “touch of anxiety” on the “free to take market”, but it seems so diminished lately that it’s not worth it. Since I lost stress, both anxiety and negativity have gotten so small that I don’t think anyone will want them. Although someone younger could take them and rebuild them to the great worries they were in the good old days. Although keeping them isn’t’t a concern – they’re not really doing any harm at present.

Of course I’ve got a few pounds of blubber to give away as well, but there is no shortage of that in the great British public. I might have to dispose of that with some hard work called exercise. Although if anyone knows of an anorexic, gullible Muppet please let me know.

So, not so much to get rid of really. Mainly the bad back. If I get rid of this one I can work on getting something far better to see me out. Or perhaps just stay spineless and lay supine in bed for the rest of my life. A bit like Jabba the Hut, eating, drinking and watching Murder She Wrote reruns.

Oh, one in-growing toenail can go on the list. I almost forgot that. We’re down to the small stuff now with an in growing toenail. May as well put that with the rash on the bum – but that will probably have gone by the time someone comes to view it.

So if anybody wants any of the above, you know where to find me.