Well here I am in the sun. And, after yesterday, a Lanzarote residente. A brief visit to the local police station sitting in front of a female dragon of a Spanish civil servant who, I could tell even without the language, would be hell to live with. Miserable, grumpy and insufferable. Any judge in the world would offer leniency to a man who overstepped the mark and threw a toaster in her bathtub whilst she was in it scrubbing her scales. Still, Christine took the brunt of it, I got the rubber stamp on the necessary papers, and I won’t have to see her again in my lifetime so all is well.
I couldn’t have done it without Christines help. It would have been a minefield of beaurocracy and in a language I cannot seem to master. I thanked Chris in the time honoured way of buying her a coffee and toasted tea cake. A thank you in any language.
Mind you, she made me pay last evening by making me accompany her to a meal with old “friends” from the North of England. Over here to enjoy themselves – I think. God knows how. Him, the elder, never made eye contact once and if he smiled at all it wasn’t at me. Her, his wife, was better, but unfortunately not sitting near enough to me for good conversation. I didn’t see her smile either but at least she looked me in the eyes and put some effort in. Him, the younger, was far better. He spoke to me, made eye contact and listened when I raised my voice above his to get a word in. Her, the younger, (his the youngers wife) was a total and complete pain in the arse. Loud, with a voice that could call back the troops. Overbearing, and so far up her own arse she could probably play Chopsticks on her tonsils. And pissed after one glass of wine of which she had four. She asked me three times if I had any family. The first time I explained how many, where they lived and a very brief history. Less than sixty seconds later I got asked the same question and I politely pointed out she had just asked that and repeated the first names and she recalled “oh yeah yeah I remember now”. Two minutes later she turned to me again and asked the same question “Have you any family?” By now I’m thinking thick? pissed? altzheimers? what? I settled on Northern which actually covers, and probably includes, every possible scenario. This time I made a joke of it, “Am I that boring that you don’t remember what I say ?” I asked. “Well a person can’t be interested in every fucking person they meet can they?” was the reply. ” I mean it’s just not possible is it?” This said at some decibel level for the surrounding tables to take a point of view on the subject. In fact someone in Madrid could’ve taken a point of view. Some woman eh? A proper lady to take somewhere. Preferably an unstable cliff edge.
It was Christine that diplomatically suggested we leave a little early to get back. A good idea. I guessed she was as enthralled by Her the Younger as I was. In the car I said to Chris “You didn’t want to face that lot on your own did you? hence the invitation” “Correct”. “And you really dropped me in it didn’t you? ” “Correct”. “No warning of what to expect eh?” “No”.
I can’t hold it against her….she helped me get my Residencia !