“You must help me doctor. It’s driving me crazy.”
“And you say the problem is only with this one word – Art?”
“Yes. Just….that word. Everything else is fine. Only that word.”
“Art?”
“Yes, …that word.”
“You’re frightened to say it? To me? Even now?”
“Yes. Say it and write it. I type the bloody word wrong now, constantly. I can’t understand it.”
“Every single time? “
“Well no. Yes when I write it. Always, always. I can’t write it without sticking an F in. But sometimes I can say the word.”
“Try it now. Say Art.”
“Art. Oh Christ I said it ok. But I can’t write it in any way.”
“Well don’t write it. At least not for a while.”
“I can’t do that doctor. I’m a critic. For the Guardian.”
“What sort of critic?”
“An fart critic.”
“An what? Oh I see. An art critic.”
“Oh Jesus I did it again didn’t I ?”
“Well it must be something fairly simple. I mean…”
“I wish it were doc. I can’t trust myself to phone anyone in the fart world now. I go to a viewing in a fart gallery and people are shunning me. I’ll lose my job soon. How can you have a fart critic that can’t say the word fart.”
“You can.”
“What?”
“Say the word ..oh I see, yes, art, fart yes, I’m with you. It gets confusing. How do you get on when you fart?
“What?”
“When you pass wind. Can you fart ok?”
“Fine. I fart like a good ‘un, specially mornings.”
“And you can say fart?”
“I just did. It’s fart I can’t say.”
“Oh, yes, of course.”
“My wife is going to leave me. I know she is doc. And divorce me probably.”
“Well that’s a bit drastic.”
“She thinks I’m doing it deliberately. Taking the mickey.”
“Why on earth should she think that?”
“She is a conceptual fartist. She spent four years studying at fart college.”
“Oh goodness. And you say you actually write it like that?”
“Yes. Every time. Can’t help it. That’s how it started. I just have to put an f at the front. I have tried everything. I didn’t even notice I’d started doing it. Until the copy came back from the Guardian sub editor. Every word “fart” had the f circled in red. I couldn’t believe it.”
“I’m surprised a sub editor on the Guardian noticed.”
“Actually doctor, so am I. But there you are. I was doing a piece on Tracy Emmin and her recent quote that made the news, “Most Modern Fart stinks.””
“She said that?”
“Well not Fart but fart. If you see what …..”
“Oh, of course. Yes. I’m with you.”
“Well, What can I do?”
“I am not too sure to be honest. Have you had any palpitations ?”
”Palpitations ?”
“Yes, in the chest.”
“No. Haven’t noticed any. If I have palpitations will it stop me flying ? I’ve got to go to the 2019 Fart festival at the National fart gallery in Madrid next week.”
“Well yes. If this is connected in any way it would stop you flying. We must check and see if you have a fart problem.”
“A what? “
“A fart problem. Something wrong with your fart.”
“What do you mean Doc?”
“Your fart, your fart. The thing you have beating away in your chest man. You may have a problem. We’ll do an ECG on your fart.”
“Doc, do you realise what you’re saying?”
“What? Oh My Good God! It’s bloody contagious!”